"The Only Thing I'll Leave You”
None of this was a mistake. God and I know it wasn't. I don't understand why it happened, but I don't regret it.
1/15/20265 min read
San Francisco, 3:09 PM
Elliot drives his taxi through the rain; there's a passenger in the back who seems nervous.
Minutes pass, and Elliot's mind wanders without hurry. The passenger gets a call, but he lets his phone ring, as if he doesn't want to answer. Elliot notices and glances at him through the rearview mirror. The passenger stares at the phone, frozen...
He closes his eyes tightly and answers the call.
"Tell me..." the passenger said.
"Yes... I've already done it."
"It was very hard. I know it will weigh on my soul for the rest of my life."
"Yes, she knows it. It breaks my heart, but Ann and the boy come first."
Carefully, and without any sudden moves, Elliot turns down the radio.
"The truth is, I won't be able to be in that girl's life when she's born... But none of this was a mistake," the passenger continued in a firm, sad tone.
"I don't know how to explain it. Maybe there's no explanation."
"You know what gives me comfort?... The only thing she'll know about me, the only legacy I'll leave her, is..."
"I have to hang up, I'll call you later."
Elliot pretended to focus on the traffic.
"Excuse me. I noticed you were a "little" too interested in my call."
"Do you think I'm a swine?" the annoyed passenger asked Elliot.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. It's just that..." Elliot answered nervously, but the passenger didn't let him finish and continued.
"Life isn't easy, OK."
"I'm not turning my back on that girl and her mother because they mean nothing to me. Quite the opposite! I'm doing this because I can't sit on two chairs at the same time. They don't deserve just a part of me."
"I just wanted to..." Elliot said, trying to apologize.
"Let me finish!" the passenger said.
"None of this was a mistake. God and I know it wasn't. I don't understand why it happened, but I don't regret it."
"Maybe... my mission is to make her life easier and be her father. But the role of Dad... God might have that reserved for someone else."
"I don't know why I'm telling you this," the passenger said, a bit calmer now.
Elliot didn't dare say anything this time.
"There's only one thing that gives me comfort and saddens me to such a deep level that I can't describe it with words... And it's that the only thing I'll leave that girl, the only thing she'll know about me, is that she should be true to herself and to what really matters in her life."
Those words rang like a bell in Elliot's head.
"Be true to herself and to what really matters in her life."
"True to herself and to what really matters."
"True... to herself."
"And to what matters."
"Herself... Her life"
"Just like I did!"
The passenger concluded with a tone that short-circuited Elliot's mind.
But it wasn't the last thing he said.
"That's why it hurts so much... while also giving some sort of comfort," the passenger whispered.
"You know what?"
"Stop, I want to get out of here. How much do I owe you?" the passenger said in a rushed tone.
"Nothing," Elliot said, surprised and still with those words ringing in his head.
An uncomfortable silence stretched for three seconds until Elliot could pull over to the side of the road. The passenger got out of the taxi in a hurry and disappeared into the rain without saying a word.
That same night, Elliot couldn't fall asleep. When his eyes finally closed, defeated by exhaustion, things didn't get better.
In the dream, Elliot found himself lying down, his mouth open and full of cotton, under a blinding light. He couldn't see anything, but he heard a clear voice saying:
"Well... we'll have to pull out some teeth. But what's important is that you be true to yourself and to what really matters in your life."
Elliot shook himself, invaded by fear, and the dream changed. Now he was with a mechanic whose face he couldn't see, only his strong, dirty hands, covered in grease. The mechanic said in a rough tone:
"Kiddo! We'll have to open the engine to see what's wrong with the camshaft. I'm warning you, the repair will be expensive. But what's important is that you be true to yourself and to what really matters in your life."
The dream changed again, and now he was on a TV game show, and the host asked him:
"Tell us, Elliot, what's the winning phrase?"
Elliot: "The most important thing is that... and to what really... in my life?"
"Exactly! Congratulations! You've won a wonder..."
The dream changed once more. Now he was in a garden full of fruit trees. Next to him was a naked woman, and a snake was climbing up his left shoulder when a voice that seemed to come from everywhere said:
"ELLIOT! What have you done?"
Elliot: "Oh merciful God who forgives the disobedient! I only took a little bite of the apple because I wanted to be true to myself."
Eve: "The snake told us that this way we'd discover what really matters in our lives."
The all-present voice paused.
And continued:
"Hmm... well..."
"Since you turned out curious and explorers, you've won the prize: You'll leave here immediately. And you won't be able to return until you're true to yourselves and to what really matters in your life. And... so you don't cheat, it will be different for each one of you and your descendants, until the end of days!"
"Oh... by the way, the snake will go with you."
"And don't you dare blame her."
"Because snakes are masters of the paths, and you'll have to find your own."
The snake, surprised and in disbelief that she was also being kicked out of the garden, came close to Elliot's ear and whispered: "And now what do we do, Elliot?"
Elliot woke up sweaty and with a racing heart. He got out of bed quickly and went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth hard, trying to clean the original sin from his mouth, and the snake's hissing from his head.
There wasn't enough toothpaste in his house or on the planet to do it. So he decided to make himself a strong coffee. He looked at his cell phone, and made a call.
"Mom? Hi Mom. Yes, everything's fine."
"Mom... We need to talk about Dad."
When Elliot was a child, shortly after he took his first steps, his father left home and never came back.